Crazy Wedding Vows
by Mystic Muses
Summary: Bakura and Marik are marriage counselors, with their own zillion dollar company that's meant to conquer the world...and their first clients are Yami and Tea! No adult content!
1. Chapter 1

Bakura and Marik are marriage counselors, and Yami and Tea are their first clients。。。

MM: Yes, I was very distraught because it's sooooo humid and hot when I wrote this, so if the attempt at humor doesn't work…well, blame it on the weather, not me…

Bakura and Marik, to each other: MM is such a weakling…she will not survive a day in the Egyptian sun. Yet she swears that she wants to live there!

MM: So, our little darlings, Marik and Kura, would you like to cut the ribbon and give the disclaimer?

Bakura and Marik: Sure!

Yami stalks in: NO! I am the great and beloved, beautiful, sissy Pharaoh! I shall make the disclaimer!

MM shoves Yami away.

Anyways, we are not as rich as Marikura Marriage Counseling or as skilled a thief as Yami, so we do not own Yugi-Oh or any of the below characters, but we do own Marikura Marriage Counseling by name after kidnapping the owners of said counseling institution.

Note we're dealing with hikari Marik and Yami Bakura...just FYI! Errr...Enjoy?

Crazy Wedding Vows

How to Manage a Zillion Dollar Company

Sunshine trickled through the windows, kissing the mellow white curtains as it sought its way to the polished floor below. A light breeze tickled the emerald leaves of the potted plant, meandering until it found the fluff ball of light blond hair resting upon the mahogany desk.

"MARIK!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Voice shrill as if a werewolf had just bit his ear off, Marik's head snapped up off of the desk. In a second, he was on his feet, running around the office with his hands on his head. The ink pot tipped over, the portrait on the wall came crashing down, the chair fell with a groan, the potted plant wriggled in its pot, and the madly frightened rug wormed it way out from below his feet. With a slam, he landed face first on the floor.

Bakura blinked blankly at his office partner, who now lay twitching upon the floor like a half dead fish out of water.

"What the hell are you doing, Marik?" he muttered, throwing his paper airplane at Marik. It bounced off the top of his head. "You didn't have to go berserk on—"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Marik shot to his feet, dashing forward. Too late, Bakura noticed the spider crawl out of his paper airplane.

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Forgot to take the spider out." Shrugging, he went back to making more spider loaded paper airplanes. "By the way, I was only trying to wake you u—"

SLAM

Looking over his shoulder, Bakura noted that Marik had managed to run himself safely into a wall, where a dent the size of Japan now resided. Shooting to his feet, Bakura stalked over to the now inert Marik.

"What the HELL, Marik Ishtar! We spent $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and 9999999999999999999999999999 cents on this office! And you're trashing it!"

At this time, one of the spiders in Bakura's pocket wriggled its way to freedom and found its own path down into his pants.

"This is not how you manage a zillion dollar com-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

With a crash, Bakura landed on his back on the floor just as Marik climbed to his feet. The latter studied his albino pal curiously.

"Wow Kura, I never knew that you were so good at break dancing," he commented, clapping in rhythm to Bakura movements. Indeed, Bakura was balanced upon his tail bone, spinning around and around in circles faster than a top.

"GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!"

Marik tilted his head. "I don't know that song, but…I'll go search for it!" he exclaimed, dashing at the laptop.

"NO! THE SPIDER IN MY PANTS, MARIK! GET THE FREAKING THING OUT!" Screeching, Bakura started undulating until his body curved up and down as if waves were passing through from head to toe.

"Let's seeeeeee….Gooooogle….what do I search for? Oh yeah, 'Get it out!' and… 'No! The spider in my pants, Marik! Get the Freaking Thing out'…Hey look, I'm famous! I'm in a song! Now, where is that Search button…" As Marik sought for the search button, Bakura had started rubbing up against the wall.

Marik looked up in amusement. "Wow, Kura, I didn't know that humping walls was a break dancing move! You have to teach me how to dance sometime soon!"

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!"

Marik glanced down at his computer screen. "Errrr….sorry Kura, but there's no song by that name: 'Get it Out!' and the spider thing…how disappointing, I was looking forward to being famous...oh wait, did you say the title was 'ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME'?" Quickly, he typed that in—

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN

"Oh man!" Marik read the little sign that popped up, saying that the phone call had disrupted his internet connection. "$1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and 9999999999999999999999999999 cents and still no broadband connection?" He blinked blankly. "Oh well! It was totally worth it! Dial Up is the best! Now we can start brainwashing people through marriage counseling! Then we can take over the world! Right Baka-Kura?" He chuckled at his own lame joke.

Looking up, he found that there was a hole in the wall the size of a mammoth in the middle of his dent in the wall that was the size of Japan.

"BAKURA! AND YOU BLAME ME FOR DAMAGING OUR BIGGEST INVESTMENT WHICH PUT US $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and 9999999999999999999999999999 cents INTO DEBT! COME AND ANSWER THE PHONE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Upset, Marik picked up the phone.

"Hello, Marikura Marriage Counseling, Marik speaking!" he shouted cheerfully.

"Umm hiiiiiiii………..it's………errr……………"

Marik blinked blankly. The voice was familiar. And the hesitancy, too. Only one person would speak like that to him! Suddenly, something clawed at his mind, ripping through layers of mental defenses, tearing down the walls, latching onto his nerves---

"PHARAOH!" Yami Marik screamed. "HA! YOUR MARRIAGE IS FAILING! SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR BEING A MURDERER! NOW COME OVER HERE SO I CAN DUEL YOU AND HAVE MY HIKARI KICK MY BUTT SO I LOSE TO YOU AND STILL SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM! MWAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA! ONCE I SUCCESSFULLY DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE WITH THAT TEA WHORE, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

Suddenly, he dropped the phone and hikari Marik shot back out. "NO! MY BELOVED AND HIGHLY ESTEEMED PHARAOH! I, YOUR LOYAL SERVANT, SHALL PREVENT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM DISINTEGRATING!"

Of course, even normal Marik still hated the Pharaoh to the depths of his filthy soul, so all this was an act to get the Pharaoh to come so Bakura and he can use their investment to destroy the Pharaoh and control the world through an elaborate plan that involved the following steps.

Mystic Muses dig through Marik's drawer for papers. Marik swings at Mystic Muses' heads and misses.

**Ryou Bakura and Marik Ishtar's Plan to World Domination**

This is a genius plan and any imitators of this plan shall be punished to the full extent of our very limited imagination!

Start marriage counseling center. CHECK

Brainwash Pharaoh into thinking his marriage has failed. HALF CHECK (half check recently added by Marik Ishtar while on the phone)

Kill Pharaoh once he has divorced Tea Gardner (aka despicable girl who thinks friendship is everything but really is only doing that to seem cute so Pharaoh will fall in love with her. Hmm that's a good thing to tell Pharaoh to get him to divorce her…).

Rule the world.

Practice evil laughter everyday for the benefit of our slaves.

MWAHAHA! COUGH CHOKE COUGH

(MM blinks. Why the heck did they put that last line there again?)

"Okay, you and Tea on Friday afternoon, 1:00 because you guys are both unemployed and have all day free but are too lazy to get up, dress and eat till 1:00, you say? Perfect. So long, Pharaoh! For now and forever! MWAHAHAH!" At this point, Marik doubled over and coughed very loudly. The Pharaoh, fortunately, had a brain slower than a dead snail's, and thus did not comprehend the full meaning of Marik's last words, or the evil cackle at the end. In fact, the Pharaoh was currently being very proud of himself for the fact that his hair was so well-gelled that one of the spikes had gone right through Tea's aluminum bat, which she had just swung at Yami's head in an attempt to either conk him out or kill him. Now the bat dangled from Yami's hair, screaming in pain from the hole in its viscera and the evil murdering attitude of Yami, otherwise known—to himself alone—as the famous, ravishing, sexy, understanding, empathetic, beloved, cunning, buff, strong, intelligent, wise, gorgeous, handsome, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, and more gorgeous and widely respected Pharaoh Atemu with the perfect hairdo that everyone in the world envied and would pay $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and 9999999999999999999999999999 cents for.

"YES! I AM THE ALMIGHTY, WORSHIPPED PHARAOH AND I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE ME YOUR SERVICES!" he shouted into the phone, despite the fact that Marik had already hung up and there was a woman's voice saying "Please hang up the phone before we over charge you for not hanging up the phone."

"YES! AND YOU WILL PROVIDE ME WITH ALL YOUR SERVICES FOR FREE!" He fumbled in his pocket for the thin piece of paper that had all the money in his and Tea's bank account that was meant to support them for the rest of their lives and beyond. "See? I already have the check for $1 dollar ready for you!" He stared at the paper. "Oh wait. That's the check that my amazingly cunning body stole from the grocery store clerk who held it out to me! This is so I can survive for the rest of my life!" He stuffed his soft white fist into his roughened and torn pocket again, hand wandering like a bat in a cave, not seeing but knowing, until it closed around the edge of a rumpled piece of sallow paper.

"AHA! There we go! I already have the check for $2,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 and 9999999999999999999999999999 cents for you! I can't use it for myself because I stole it from Kaiba and wrote Marikura Marriage Counseling on it before I thought about it!"

At this time, fortunately for the Mystic Muses—who have been witnesses to this terrifying display of wit from the Pharaoh Atemu in their profession as journalists and have been on the verge of fainting from the feral spray of venomous spit shooting out from Atemu's frothing, foaming, infernal mouth—Tea Gardner, who, for once, was a true hero, whacked Yami her husband over the head with a wooden baseball bat, which somehow fared better than the aluminum one and cracked Pharaoh's skull. Unfortunately, she too forgot to hang up the phone and they were charged 5 million dollars that month for phone services.

As the Mystic Muses, who were hiding dutifully behind the couch in plain sight, discovered, after the Motos had fled the scene, that the aluminum bat had really been made out of tofu because Yami had been too parsimonious and thrifty to go to a real sports shop to buy it and had instead purloined it from a tofu stand on the side of the street, whose owner managed to tackle him to the ground exactly 0.0008 nanoseconds after said theft and forced him to pay $10 for the tofu bat. As said journalists noted, the tofu itself had cost only .0007 cents, sales price, and the aluminum bat had cost only $1.91, thus making the Magnanimous and Wise Pharaoh's decision to steal his first and worst mistake in his self-proclaimed 5,000 year history on the throne.

At this point, Tea looked up and threw Yami's body at the Mystic Muses, who fled the scene immediately and thus is not able to narrate the rest of this story.

MM: Thankles for reading our story! Please review and recommend whenever possible and also whenever impossible. Oh, by the way, MM likes to talk in third person and has MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) so at times, it will seem like MM is one person, and sometimes two.

Bakura: How come I disappeared from the story?

MM: You'll see in the next installment of……Crazy Wedding Vows!

bows

Marik: Hey! I didn't get to say anything! I need t—

gets whacked over head with giant spider by MM

MM: Anyways, Good Luck, and so long till next time (which will be written when MM is sitting under the air conditioning)!


	2. Chapter 2: Morning Madness

MM: After botching my efforts at driver's ed, I have decided that Marik and Bakura should not be able to drive.

Bakura: What is this soul-devouring madness! I shall DRIVE!

Marik: DRRRRIVE? What's that? Oh yeah…I think that's what I was taught to never do on my motorcycle. "Don't drink and drive," right? Yeah. That's why I always drink before getting on my motorcycle. pulls out bottle of powdered milk. Uh-oh, I forgot to add the water…

Bakura: Marik, we should kidnap MM so she can't torture us any longer.

Marik: SURE! Let's kidnap our kidnappers!

MM, wide-eyed: Let's run while fleeing: Remember, we don't own Yugi-Oh or our current captives turned jailers or—struggles in black bag MMMMMFFFFFF!

Yami looks away and continues gelling hair: Anyways, here's the next installment of...Crazy Wedding Vows...who cares...scans script HEY LOOK! I'm in it! Glares menacingly READ IT OR BE PREPARED for the SHADOW REALM!

Session 1: Morning Madness

It was the morning of that sacred day when the dreams of the great Tomb Robber Bakura and the Mutinous Servant Marik are meant to be fulfilled. A cloud sprinted away on swift wings from the burning glare of the gold orb above, allowing this Eye of Ra to glare down at the houses far below it. A crimson roof, an adobe house, stucco walls...

The sun blinked. There seemed to be something stirring in the miniscule white bed in that room yonder. It checked its mental clock: exactly noon. Frowning, the sun shifted toward the west, keeping its fiery eye upon the little creature curled up within the sheets—what a lazy brat...

A curious little sparrow, noting the gaze of the sun, hopped through the open window into the house. Tilting its head to one side in grim curiosity, he snuck up. A white pillow, pale body, and white sheets...Screeching, he fluttered back to his perch on the window sill upon busy wings. Where's the head of this creature?

With a deep groan as if he had been struck by a bull in the ribs, Bakura stirred, his feathery head turning to one side. The sparrow breathed a sigh of relief, letting out a sound much akin to the whistling bellow of a steam engine.

"What the—"

Shooting up and rubbing his eyes, Bakura checked his alarm clock, swore, chucked the said clock at the screeching sparrow, and flew out the door. Dazed for only a moment at the close pass—the alarm clock had missed completely, of course; Bakura's aim was worse than a tadpole's—he opened eyes, and promptly fainted out of disgust at the unclothed albino midget lying upon the ground. It seemed that the said albino had just tripped over his own foot and was screaming at the rug from the carpet burn he had just given himself.

Meanwhile, the sparrow's son was having a somewhat worse experience...

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!"

So saying, Marik squeezed the belly of the little sparrow tighter, sending pearly tears up into the sparrow's eyes. Feathers pooffed out and beak quivering, he wriggled in his captor's grasp. He had just been standing on the alarm clock when Marik reached over, smacked him over the head, and then decided that it was all the sparrow's fault for standing on the clock in the first place.

Bakura peeked into his drawers.

"Attempt number 101!" Still, he couldn't kind his car keys, totally not noticing that the key ring hung from the thumb of his left hand.

Two seconds later, Marik was on his motorcycle, and Bakura had finally managed to tie his belt around his pony tail and pick the lock to his car. Of course, the latter was furiously cursing the sparrow for stealing his keys.

"What the—" he screamed as a huge scratch appeared over the door of his car. He glanced down at the car keys hanging from his thumb, then at the scratch. A malignant glint grew in his eyes, a raging fire from the Shadow Realm flickering through his hard rust-colored irises.

"I hate these KEYS!"

Suddenly, he seized the keys, wrapping them in a white-knuckled fist. A line of crimson ran down to his wrist and then his forearm, finally freed from is confinement within the body and now curiously exploring the exterior of its host.

"Damn you!"

Throwing them on the ground, Bakura stomped on them with his bare feet, shaking his white maned head back and forth and up and down as if it was being dragged around by a rabid dog by the ponytail. Suddenly, he ran forward, wired the car, and drove off with a screech that sent the sparrow family under his pillow shooting out into the cerulean, bejeweled sky, twittering a mournful augury.

Yep. That spider in Bakura's pants yesterday had really gotten to him. In fact, that is why he had to leave Mystic Muses' story; he had to go to the hospital to have the spider extracted because it was crawling dangerously fast along his belt.

Bakura didn't like driving. He had just gotten this car yesterday, and had no idea what in the world a license is. Fortunately, his foot found the gas pedal, and he found himself shooting out of the driveway and into the first tree that appeared across the street.

"Darn it!" He suddenly paled, trying to remember what he had just said. "Was I just being polite? I mean, damn it!"

He fiddled with the little stick to his right that had small transparent letters labeled "P," "R," "D," and "1," and "2." Flooring the gas pedal, he twirled the wheel to the right in attempt to turn right and avoid crashing into his house with its precious sparrow nest. Unfortunately, he didn't know that in reverse, everything appeared backwards.

SMASH.

"DAMN IT!"

Roaring, Bakura dragged the rear of his car out of his bedroom and rushed out to the crying sparrows now wriggling in their dislocated nest.

"NOOOOOO! MY PRECIOUS!"

Unfortunately, his attempt at attention sent all sparrows within a 2 mile radius of the vicinity scurrying off toward the puffy, fleeing clouds.

30 minutes later

"HAHA! I HAVE POWER!"

Gunning the engine, Bakura sped out of his driveway, ignoring the row of two dozen flattened trees across the road and the fact that his house no longer existed. And the facts that his mailbox was sticking out of the hood of his car, that the lid of his trunk lay somewhere beneath the rubble of his garage, and that he no longer had a passenger's side door. Or, for that fact, any rear view mirrors.

Rubbing away the trail of sweat running down his forehead, he floored the gas once again and sped off down the street.

Two seconds, later Bakura's eyes widened as his sweaty palms trembled on the leather steering wheel. The trees flew past him, obviously afraid of his reckless driving, and his own self was driven back into his seat as the car plummeted along the road, as if a giant invisible hand was trying to stop him before any more innocent trees were flattened.

"SUCKS TO YOU, INVISIBLE HAND!"

Practicing his well developed evil laughter, which now sounds something like a kitten's meow, he suddenly remembered what the sales clerk had said to him before he was sent to the Shadow Realm.

"Mr. Bakura, cars are killing machines on four wheels," he had cautioned expertly with wide eyes that lacked any sort of puppy-dog cuteness whatsoever. "Whenever you're not looking, it just might rear up and throw you out and run you over on its own. It cackles at your pain and live off your sweat and blood! Every two seconds, some naïve pedestrian, while dodging these hectic killing machines, are run aground and never see the light of day again!"

Bakura's eyes narrowed. "Never see the light of day again, hmmm? HAHA! I shall be the white haired, ravishing, BEAUTIFUL killer on four wheels!" Just as these words left his lips, there came an earsplitting crash and bam, and the whole back of the car starting from the backseat fell away, leaving the whole vehicle balancing precariously on two wobbling circles.

"SCREW THAT! TWO wheels are before than FOUR!"

Noting the growing number of pedestrians before him, he suddenly realized how powerful he was, controlling this two-wheeled killing machine made of 2 tons of metal and rubber while those puny Mortals out there had nothing more than skin, cloth and bone. Megalomania seizing his wonderfully crafty brain, he shot forward on his remaining wheels, sending bystanders on the sidewalks scurrying for nonexistent cover.

"HAHA!"

Finally, he did manage to hit a pedestrian. With a thump and a crack, his car fell into two pieces.

"OWWWWWWWIIIEEEEE!" Screaming, he landed on his bum, which now rested upon his flattened tire. The giant football guy that he had run into stared blankly at him. Glaring up at him, Bakura climbed to his feet.

"I KNOW! I HAVE A PLAN! BEWARE THE WRATH OF THE TOMB ROBBER!"

Saying so, he pulled out a giant foam hand with "GO BAKURA!" written in an infant's handwriting across it and threw it at the football player's stomach. Frowning, the prey folded his arms across his chest as people gathered around, blinking blankly at them.

"Okay, Plan B!"

Pulling out a butter knife, he charged at the football player, madly hacking at his hair.

"HA! TAKE THAT! DIE, YOU SURVIVOR! DIE!"

"Are you okay, little girl?" the football player asked, a sympathetic light dawning in his light blue eyes. "Do you need to go to the psychiatrist? I know of a marriage counselor named Dr. Bakura around here. Maybe he can recommend something or some psychiatrist for you."

Frowning, the victim reached up and grabbed Bakura's pony tail, leaving the Tomb Robber dangling in midair with legs and arms flailing like an octopus out of water, the butter knife hacking randomly at thin air.

"Damn, he already thought of that, too!"

"Are you insane?" the jock asked.

"I'm NOT insane, or a girl, Brainy!" screamed the albino monkey. "NO! I HAVE ANOTHER PLAN! PURE GENIUS!"

So saying, he started whacking at his own hair with the butter knife.

"HA! WITHIN THE HOUR, I SHALL BE FREE! AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME!"

Shaking his head in despair, the football player dumped said monkey in the passenger's seat of his Ferrari and drove of in search of the famed "Dr. Bakura" of Marikura Marriage Counselor.

With the sparrow still in one fist, Marik Ishtar sped down the road on his burgundy motorcycle, puking into the paper lunch bag he had balanced at the center of his handlebars.

"Man, this motion sickness. It always comes whenever I ride this bike. Must be because I have that sparrow family living in my backyard. They're always cursing me."

He held up the sparrow to his face and sent the evil eye upon it. The little birdie trembled and squeaked, lifting its feathery shoulders to cushion his vulnerable head. Suddenly, an orange fur ball flew at the sparrow.

"NO! MY BELOVED!"

Moving the sparrow aside, Marik got a mouthful of fur. The next second, the cat lay dead at his feet.

"OH MY DEARIE! YOU KILLED MY ORANGE CAT!" screamed a deranged, senile woman who just happened to have been stalking the cat with a black bag in hand, much like the one used to kidnap the Mystic Muses. She whacked Marik over the head with her cane, took the cat's carcass, stuffed it into the bag, and conked him over the head with the newly made bludgeon.

"It's not my fault!" he shouted, "THE CAT TRIED TO KILL MY SPARROW AND I SAVED MY SPARROW AND THE CAT HIT MY FACE AND I DROVE INTO THE TREE AND THE CAT JUMPED OFF AND THE TREE FELL AND THE TREE FELL ON THE CAT THAT JUMPED OFF AND THE CAT THAT JUMPED OFF GOT KILLED!"

Screaming, he ran at his motorcycle and disappeared in a cloud of exhaust fumes, still puking into the bag that miraculously stayed attached to the handle bars. As the Mystic Muses later discovered and reported in the Domino Gazette after escaping from the black bag with the cat that Marik thought was dead that really wasn't dead, Marik Ishtar's puke bag has been attached to the handle bars of his bike for the last decade by superglue and is actually considered in the Domino Book of Domino Records as the filthiest, most squalor-filled item in all of Domino. The escape of the journalists, by the way, was facilitated by the beaks of two particularly friendly sparrow families.

Anyways, on the road, Marik drove ravishingly, hair flying in the wind beneath a helmet made out of the same tofu that had cost Yami $10. On the way to the Counseling Center, he ran over a spikey haired midget who was shouting something about being Pharaoh and a brunette who was screaming about the essence of friendship. Surprisingly, those same two people turned up at the Counseling Center two seconds after Bakura, who appeared 2 seconds after Marik, being dragged by the ponytail by a big guy from a Ferrari.

"I didn't know that you turned gay, Kura," Marik muttered darkly. "You can be the girl counseling Tea today," he added, worming his way out of that particular hole.

Yami and Tea crashed through the hole in the wall the size of a mammoth made by Bakura in the dent the size of Japan now with a bang, swaying the green leaves of the potted plant that had suffered so much lately. The sunlight retreated in disgust from the streaks of dirt and blood covering the fighting couple.

"I THE PHARAOH DECLARE THAT I LIKE YOUR HOLE-DOOR, MARIK MY LOYAL AND SUFFERING SERVANT WHO SHALL FOREVER GROVEL BEFORE MY STINKY AND BEAUTIFUL FEET! THE HOLE LOOKS LIKE ME AND SHOWS YOUR LOVE AND RESPECT, SLAVE!"

Marik nodded, trying desperately to suppress the pulsing vein in his temple, which beat a rhythm like a giant drum in his brain. Bakura smiled and stood, shaking the hands of his first clients.

"Hello, Yami and Tea, my beloved!" Sweeping a bow, he raised Tea's hand to his lips and kissed it, trying not to choke on the smell of perfumed friendship oozing out from her cuticles, trying to invade his privacy.

"Bakura! My secret boyfriend!" Tea exclaimed, jumping on Bakura and glomping him in an attempt to madden Yami.

Yami blinked blankly. "Hey! You're getting along great with our counselors!" he laughed without a hint of a smolder, ignoring the fact that Bakura was running against the wall in an attempt to bash Tea off his face, snarling like a gorilla tangled in a trap.

Marik patted Yami on the back, inviting him to sit across the desk from himself. "Now, Yami, whilst Bakura is getting…er…acquainted with your crazed wife, we will discuss your issues."

At this moment, Bakura wrestled Tea into her seat, pulled duck tape from a pocket and bond her to her chair until she looked like a silver mummy.

Bakura blinked blankly, sitting next to Marik.

"So, errrr…let's begin!" Marik said, ignoring Bakura's confused look. He nodded to his own wise statement. "Tell us of the start of your marriage…your…errr…wedding vows!"

Yami's eyes grew blank. "Wwweedding vvvvows?"

At this moment, bashed Yami over the head with an unfortunate desk, who was screaming out of pain with little tears running out of its many eyes.

"You DOLT! Unfaithful husband! How can you NOT remember the day that made our lives this wonderful!"

To the counselor's surprise, she was absolutely serious. At this moment, Tea's face grew peachy and dreamy as if she was floating in a kiwi frappe, staring up at heart-shaped clouds with friendship slogans carved across them.

"I can recite them to you! We were up at the altar, all of our friends were there, and I was in a beautiful pink dress festooned with hearts and cherubs and roses and laces, and Yami was in a kilt with 'I AM THE GREAT PHARAOH! WORSHIP ME!' stitched across it in black thread in barely legible format…I think he did it himself because he had no money…but anyways! He had even more gel in his hair than usual, so he looked like a puffer fish…or was it called a blowfish? Anyways, he looked like a doll of a porcupine, and I—"

Bakura's face was already red as a cherry by this time, and the chocolate of his eyes had melted and boiled.

"CAN YOU GET TO THE POINT ALREADY? Errr…thank you! Please," he added, biting his tongue and swallowing the bile rising from his stomach at Tea's words.

"Okay!" Tea chirped. "So I was dressed all beautiful, and Yami was trying his best, and of course I paid for everything, and I still have to pay for everything now, and that's all very unfortunate…"

Bakura's hand crept for the stick labeled "Tea Basher" under his desk that he had bought at an exclusive Tea Hater's store (a billion-dollar industry)…

"SO!" Tea continued, one finger pointing up at eyes closed. "I said 'I hereby promise to forevermore remind you of the importance of friendship and make you sad whenever you're happy by reminding you how good, special, and…and…and (here Tea is unable to come up with a suitable word)…and…uh…IMPORTANT (here she smugly preens herself, thinking this is some terrifically sneaky "big word" that no one else knows) friendship is! And, of course, how lucky he is to have me, the…the…the…bestest friendest person in the world!"

Yami stared, not comprehending. Blinks. "Yeah…" Here Tea glares at him. He blushes deeply. "Of course! The great and TERRIBLE Pharaoh never forgets!"

Bakura smiled wickedly. "Then what did YOU say, dearest king?"

"Errr..errr…" Yami tried not to let on that he had made up a vow on the spot in the absence of a draft, a priest, or any real friends to give him ideas. All those so-called friends that they had invited to their wedding had really been dolls from the psyche ward where Tea had been staying. Besides, their altar had been a plank and their church a sand dune on the Domino beach. "I said… 'Yeah Tea! You do that…and I entertain you with the numerous and never-ending and over exaggerated stories about my ancient past in which I was a mighty conqueror who stalked and killed lions, crocodiles, villages of people who were related to this Tomb Robber that I didn't know named Bakura, and various other menaces each day and was hailed as a glorious general, warrior, Pharaoh, god, and so one and so forth because my stories are so interesting!"

(MM: Um...just out of curiosity, did anyone here bring a shot gun? receives weird looks; Marik jumps on MM and starts bawling What? No, I'm not suicidal...I'm just a compassionate soul here to end our misery...)

"INTERESTING!" Bakura exclaimed, whacking Tea over the head with the Tea Basher. Jumping up, she glomps Bakura again.

"AHHHH! SAVE ME!"

Tea: "OH BAKURA! I LOVE YOUR MANLINESS AND YOUR BASHER! CRACK MY HEAD OPEN! I WILL DIE FOR YOU, KURA!"

Bakura managed to retie Tea as Yami and Marik stared blankly.

"Now Pharaoh," Marik suggested, leaning back in his seat as Tea made kissy noises at Kura, who was suppressing the urge to barf yet again. "The problem is that you and Tea love each other so much that you see only the evil in each other! That's why you have to pay another $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, or something bucks to come for another session to get rid of your love!"

"Yes!" Bakura said, "And to give you an assignment to start preparing for this treatment, I think you should duel me and practice your cheesy good-guy speech skills which Tea is supposed to love! Also you should pay me with the Millennium Puzzle because that'll save your marriage!"

Yami shot to his feet, sending his chair skittering back into the potted plant, which fell over with a thud and a cackling groan, sending the sparrow family there fluttering away and uncovering the hiding spot of the great journalist Mystic Muses.

"YES! I MUST DUEL AND WIN AND PROVE THAT I AM CHEESY AND GREAT AT MAKING SENSELESS SPEECHES AND PRACTICE MY 'OH NO!' 'S AND MY 'IF I LOSE, THE WORLD WILL BE IN DANGER!' SPEECHES!" He whirled around from the potted plant and faced Tea.

"Let's DUEL!"

Tea shot to her feet, too, bursting through the duck tape and sending her chair crashing over onto the spider that had been living in the paper airplane that had crashed into Marik's skull.

"LET'S! I shall WIN and practice my friendship speeches forevermore!"

Leaping through the air, bodies stretched out gorgeously like cheetahs onto their prey, Yami and Tea crashed through the window, sending iridescent crystal shards flying through the air, dangling and shimmering in the golden rays of the sun.

Bakura and Marik gazed blankly at each other. Slowly, Bakura lifted the check for $1 from the Pharaoh.

"Marik! We're RICH!"

Marik nodded, then lifted the check stolen from Kaiba. "Bakura! We're richer!"

With sparrows singing a heavenly tune over their heads, the two counselors waltzed in circles, ignoring Yami's Blue Eyes, which he stole with the check from Kaiba, which was now being chased around by Tea's cackling Kuribo, which she had stolen from Yami.

From far, far away, the football player gazed with a smile at Tea as she defeated Yami and somehow sent him to the Shadow Realm. (But don't worry! He gets back in time for a session two, mainly because MM believes that Marikura should earn more money…)

MM: climbs out of the remainder of Bakura's car haha! Freed at last!

Marik: NOT SO FAST, SMARTY PANTS! grabs MM by the ears THERE! I HAVE YOU AT THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS!

MM: Those are my ears, dumbo!

Bakura: blinks blankly I thought you two were hiding in the black bag with the cat that you said was dead that wasn't really dead.

Marik: I though you were hiding behind the potted plant in the office with the third enigmatic sparrow family!

MM: Errrrr….uhhh…..THAT IS THE SECRET OF THE GREAT JOURNALIST! Review and recommend and give us suggestions! grabs onto horde of sparrows SPARROWS AWAY!

Marik and Bakura: Stares after MM as she crashes into the moon What's with her and OUR sparrows!


	3. Chapter 3

MM: We/I are/am getting back to Crazy Wedding Vows! Though I/we am/are still lacking in inspiration, something seemed to have magically changed our/my mood(s)!

Bakura: MWAHAHA! Change of Heart is a great card to play on that/those fool(s)!

Marik: Why are you talking with parenthesis?

Bakura: Because we don't know if the Muse(s) are one or many, remember?

Marik: Oh yeah! It/they has/have MPD, like us!

Bakura, drily: Yes. Except it/they isn't/aren't nearly as intelligent as me!

MM: Uh-huh. It's "as I," dummy!

Yami: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED ANY LONGER!!!! I am PHAROAH! I am owned by no one, at least not by the creepy Mystic Muses! Neither is all of Yugioh! Unfortunately, this plot is absolutely hers, so I'm screwed!

MM: You got that right, dearie! Let us all continue now, shall we?

Chapter 3

Tea's Teatime Session

"MWAHAHAHA! Our plan is proceeding perfectly! We shall rule the world in seven days!" cackling like a maniacal penguin on a leash, Ryou Bakura stalked around, reminding Marik of a pecking chicken with its wings spread in a Frisbee-throwing position.

"Cock-a doodle doooooo!!!!!!"

Freezing with his arms and legs in the air, Bakura crashed onto the couch as the sparrow family landed on his stomach, tilting their heads to the left and studying the convulsing five-thousand year old.

"YEAH! Our plan is going great despite the fact that Yami drove his car over the edge of the white cliffs of Dover and hadn't been seen by a human for the last two weeks!" Marik enthused, doing the can-can as a black bag in the corner of the room hopped forward surreptitiously and banged its unfortunate head on the desk.

"Yes! We ever so wilily planned that incredibly believable escapade so that Tea wouldn't suspect our kidnapping her husband!" Bakura screamed, picking up the midget in the black bag and tossing him up in the air. With a blubbering "WEEEEE!" Yami twirled in the air like a blind bunny and bounced upon landing on the foot-deep carpet.

Leaping over the desk like a power-hungry kangaroo, the blond Egyptian dug his fingers into the black plastic and shredded it faster than a rabid wolf would.

"AHHH!" Screaming, he leapt to his feet, waving his foaming white fingers around in midair and tripping over the sneaking roots of the palm tree in the corner of their office. "The rabies is all over me! I'm going to die! I must suck away the poison!" Stopping mid-stride, Marik suckled his fingers as a worried Bakura wrung a handkerchief in the corner, sitting on a drooling Yami. Sticking his ten fingers in his mouth, Marik sucked till his face turned red as a raspberry.

"Hey! Rabies tastes good! It tastes like whipped cream and cheesecake and strawberry cheesecake and blueberry cheesecake and Tiramisu and pudding and vanilla ice cream and glutinous rice balls and moon cakes and normal cakes and cream and Yami's hair!"

"HEY! Don't you dare eat my pudding hair!" a breathless voice squealed from beneath Bakura. "It's a professional secret! No one else can make better pudding-hair than Yami-Atum-Atemu-Sumo-wrestler-duelist-champion-king-of-everything-that-ever-existed pharaoh!

Ripping off a section of Yami's hair, Bakura held his victim's mouth open like a turkey's belly as the sparrows sat on his lip to watch the show.

"Marik! You have a highly developed sense of taste!"

"Yes I do! And it tells me that this is so-called rabies is from our dessert cabinet! Yami tricked us! Look, he actually has a body and some flub on his muscle-less arms now! Though his legs are still thinner than wires," he added, walking over and landing a punch on Yami's beach ball-sized stomach.

"NO! And Tea's coming over this afternoon for her teatime my-husband-is-dead grievance session! We need those snacks!" Hopping off of Yami, his convenient stool, Bakura pulled on a jacket and stuffed the pharaoh back into the blackness of his bag. The white-haired man ran around the desk and drew out a dozen padlocks and ten meters of rope, locked up the bag ran up to the second floor, and dangled the bag, plus its living cargo, out the window. Wheezing, he collapsed back on his couch in the zillion-dollar office. Marik had already disappeared off to the nearest convenient store.

* * *

"MUST GET CHEESECAKE SO I CAN RULE THE WORLD!"

Speeding wrecklessly down the road on his roaring motorcycle and ignoring the traffic lights, staring girls, piles of police cars and larger piles of crashing vehicles, he pulled his motorcycle into a gargantuan leap over the five-story-tall convenient store and landed on the street behind.

Blinking, he looked upon the gorgeous, dirt-streaked window of the shabby toy store of Domino, owned by a certain old man with gray, fizzy hair who looked awfully like Yami, except for the fact that he had packed on a lot more weight around the stomach and constantly wore an orange peel over his head. At the rate that Yami was gaining weight, though, the Pharaoh may actually soon catch up to the toy storeowner.

Dashing in with his helmet in his arms and Brother Sparrow snoozing within, he dumped one hundred pennies on the counter.

"Old Mister Moto person! I need two dozen cheesecakes, three Tiramisus, five bags of tea, and one pot of hot water, plus whatever you think a good tea party should have so I can kill Pharaoh Yami, who is in Yugi Moto's body, who looks awfully like a younger version of you, without anybody ever suspecting anything!"

Blinking blankly up at his only customer in the past five days who didn't have spiked or crazily dyed hair, the shop owner grinned like a bucktooth chipmunk and turned around to dig in his pile of tea-time toys. "Okay! Coming right up! Would you like that in hollow plastic or solid rubber?"

"Of course solid, silly! Feeding customers of our jillion-dollar Marikura Marriage Counseling hollow stuff that has no cream will never do!" Grabbing the boxes of toys, he balanced tiers of teetering tea-things and wobbled out the door.

"…and five dollars for those plates, makes…thrity dollars and seventy-nine cents, Mister!" screeched Mr. Moto happily, shaking his abacus to get the calculation beads back in order.

"Thank you! There're 100 cents on the counter! Keep the change!"

Words mumbled by the dozen boxes, Marik gave the job of balancing everything on the back of his motorcycle to Brother Sparrow, mounted his panting vehicle, and sped away, trying desperately to avoid the talking black cat snoozing on the road and the palm tree jay-walking across Humbug Avenue. Two seconds later, after dashing two holes through the walls of the convenient store, five through Bakura's ramshackle home, and two more through Tea's bathroom, he managed to reach Marikura Marriage Counseling and collapsed on top of the bag labeled KIDNAPPED PHARAOH: DO NOT OPEN.

"I got all the wares! I saw Tea putting on lipstick and trying to pick out a dress when I accidentally crashed through her house! I think she threw out all of Yami's stuff. Very encouraging sign. I'm not stupid enough to not realize that these foods are fake, but they were 82.9374832 cheaper than the real things that they sell from the old freezer in that medieval convenient store. Besides, Tea is too blind and deaf and unable to smell to recognize the difference."

So saying, the Egyptian blond helped Bakura to rip open Mr. Moto's products and set up the tea tray on the table by the couches. Suddenly, the clouds hounding the sun caught up with their prey, and with a bloodcurdling scream, the golden orb vanished beneath the ravaging claws of the wisps of white.

"Yes. And now, everything is in place. Mwahahahaha…" cackling to himself, Bakura seemed sane for just a moment.

"I will comfort her with a million lulling words, and once she leaves, tearily thanking us for all our help, we can dispose of the Yam!"

"What Yam? You mean Yami?" He had cut Yami's bag from its location dangling from the ceiling, and was currently testing the blade that he had in his pocket on the fake Tiramisu.

Marik shrugged, kicking the snoozing bag under the tea table. "There isn't much of a difference."

A gentle tapping took their attention, and, as Marik sat down at the table with his laptop, "courtesy" of Seto Kaiba—his company warehouse never had a lock on it, and everyone in Domino knew the password was "Kaiba rules the universe"—as Kura ambled to the door and whirled it open with a flourish and a swishing bow.

"Miss Tea Gardner, welcome! Allow me to express my partner and my most sincere and grieving apologies for the recent demise of your beloved husband. We didn't even have a chance to finish our counseling, just when it started going so well!"

Taking Tea by the arm, he escorted her over to the tea table, took her million-dollar handbag, feathered hat, scarf, gloves, and coat and stuffed them into the drawer of the official office desk. She crossed her legs and fluttered her masquera-laden eyelashes, resting her two-inch-heel boots on the puffy black bag conveniently stashed beneath the coffee table in front of her and patting her paper-thin puce green dress. Her perfectly pruned hair stuck up like chicken feathers from the back as she ran her fingers through it, and her bloody lipstick became a strawberry paste to her ever-hungry tongue.

"So, Mr. Ishtar…you look great in that jacket."

"Thank you, Miss Gardner. Kura, would you like to start the session?" Marik asked as his partner crawled over, served tea, and sat down across from his target.

"Yes. Great idea, Mr. Ishtar. I believe that your husband died in a freak accident in which he flew over the white cliffs of Dover?" he asked, pulling his brows together in a very sympathetic frown.

Putting a hand to her nose and blowing it without a handkerchief, she put her knuckles to her forehead as a sparrow hopped around, picking out hair for its nest and leaving behind a warm pile of something or another on her scalp.

"Oh, it was horrible, indeed! But I think I'm definitely ready to move on. I'll just tell all those newspaper people that he died very unfortunately, then…" she blabbed, smiling demurely at Bakura.

"Riiiiight. Well, it's just absolutely wonder that you are one hundred and ten percent okay, and that Pharaoh doesn't have a single heir to inherit the now-lost Millennium Puzzle," Bakura continued.

With a bang, shards of glass throttled their engines and charged across the room, impaling themselves in the door and the accompanying wall. Dancing in pain, the wall hopped from foot to foot as the room's three untied occupants leapt to their feet.

"NOOO! MY SPARROWS!" With a Matrix-style swirl, Bakura flew through the air, white hair flaying the air as the remaining pieces of shooting glass cleaved through the flapping tails of his coat. Landing across the table, he slid, grabbing the nest of sparrows and tucking them under his jacket as the walls caved in with a crackle and a roar.

"NOOOO!! My potted plant!" Dashing over, Marik seized the pot with its quivering resident and dashed across the room, jettisoning Tea out of his way in his attempt to hide the plant behind the safety of the bomb-proof couch.

"We're safe!" Tea shouted, kicking the black bag attempting to worm its way out from beneath the shaking coffee table.

Her eardrums rumbled and tucked themselves into her ear as a roar louder than a supernova on earth ripped through the fabric of space, accompanied by a stippling shower of spit and mucus.

"Hey look! It's Joey Dog Wheeler's Red Eyes!" the widow screamed, hopping up and jumping into the creature's gaping mouth just as Joey ran into the now-destroyed counseling center.

"Go, Red Eyes! Find Yugi's remains so I can steal those Duel Monster cards that he always hides in that pocket on that metal belt that he always has looped around his nonexistent waist!"

Hopping toward the black bag that the Red Eyes snorted at, Joey, under the watchful eyes of the owners of Marikura Counseling, ripped a hole through the plastic, avoiding the padlocks and ropes all around it. Groping around, he tore the cards from a mumbling, snoring, coughing, and sneezing Yami, mounted his Red Eyes, watched Tea crawl out whilst covered in dragon spittle, shouted "DRAGONS AWAY!" and disappeared into the depths of the cosmos.

Watching the dark masses of Joey and Dragon and Company thrum into the distance, Bakura and Marik folded their arms and nodded in quiet approval.

"That Wheeler is finally learning a thing or two about real life," Marik announced, taking Tea by the arm and setting her down on her now torn-up seat, stuffing a rubber cheesecake into her mucus-dripping hand.

"Yes. That is the smartest thing I've ever seen him do. Actually manifesting his Duel Monster in physical form isn't half as impressive as stealing from the corpse of his best friend," Bakura mused, patting Tea on the back.

"WHAAA? I'm dead?"

Crawling out of the bag, Yami stared up at his companions. The two males blanched visibly, then turned their eyes to the woman sitting between them.

"Y-Y-Y-Yami?!"

Turning burgundy red, Tea reached down, grabbed the collar of Pharaoh, then jerked him up to eye level.

"You JERK! You were DEAD!"

Confused, Yami shook his head. "No, I wasn't."

"Yes you were! NO! You said that just to trick me!"

Rubbing his hands together as his face started to turn blue from his wife's strangle hold on his collar, he smiled weakly at the crimson eyes of Tea Gardner.

"I really didn't! I-I-I was kidnapped by aliens and left here! Yes! I-I-I was looking for you this whole time! And here I am! Ta-da!" Weakly, he clapped his hands together in triumph.

"NO! Aliens don't exist!" Ms. Gardner shouted, as a troop of UFO's floated past the gaping hole in the wall and some green Martians took snapshots of these strange human zoo animals.

"Well, I tried! I really did! I really, really did!" Yami whined as Tea started shaking him back and forth, then threw him onto the coffee table of phony foods and landed a horribly aimed punch in the teacup next to Yami's ear.

"Darn! That was supposed to go in your face! Pretend that that went into your face!" she commanded, hitting the easier target of his bloated stomach.

"Yes Madam! Ouch ouch ouch!"

Bakura shrugged his shoulders as Marik cracked his knuckles malignantly.

"At least we can make more money out of them," the King of Thieves suggested wearily as the Pharaoh scratched at Tea with well-groomed nails, then decided to tear at her hair.

Shrugging, Marik allowed the new duck family in the neighborhood to wander through the hole in their office wall and enjoy the spectacular show. After-lunch walks seemed of utmost importance and fashion in these new invasive-species families.

He grinned widely as a check for ten billion dollars slipped from Yami's pocket as Tea's fist said hello to his leg.

"Money's good."

* * *

Yami, holding cold ham to black eye: Stupid Mystic Muses…

MM: WAAAAAH?!?! At least you're not dead! That's a good thing, right?

Marik: No.

Bakura: Nope!

Sparrow Family: NO WAY!

MM: Wait. YES! I/we need him to punish! I/we need him to vent my/our rage on so I/we don't destroy the world! I/we—

Marik, throwing Yami's black bag over MM: So, adieu till next time, my faithfuls!


End file.
